HELLO! I just changed theme on the blog again - to something simple and clean but also happy and a bit colorful!
It's summer outside now. Yesterday it was sooo hot! It was 34 degrees, I swear, I almost melted. I'm trying to be outside as much as possible even though I just wanna sit by my computer all day - because in summer I'm not going to have availability to use this computer anymore. Since I end 9th grade we're going to leave them to the school-ppl. Which really sucks. Because I love my computer and it's very fun to just do nothing at it. I won't be able to watch anime, chat with people, blog, glare at youtubers and so on.
Anywayysssss.
This morning I woke up at 07:00. School was starting at 08:00, so I became a little stressed, but I thought, and decided/accidentally fell asleep again... then I woke up at 07:40 because my sister was wondering when I started school today. Then I fell asleep... and woke up at 11:00... I suck, YEAH!!!
Today I'm going to read. I wanna finish reading Gone and after that I have a few things to study for. Hmm... it was supposed to be a test today in school. Too bad I miss it. Ugh. But when I think about school and everything, I just want it to be summer vacation now... You get easily tired when you're almost at the finish line. But well, well, gotta hold on the last days.
I'm doing a research on drugs.
(Why TF did he said that I could ... redovisa ... it to Micke too?)
I feel like a failure. Because I'm a handicapped kid. Worthless...
I sit in silence and I don't say anything when he's speaking to me, because I feel bad for making him explain something that should be so simple.
But I'll start with the article/rapport when I'm home, because I feel like I can concentrate better there. Oh, I can sit at the playground, but first I need to charge my computer because it's going to die soon.
After this lesson we have one lesson left - gymnastics. Something annoying. But I'll do my best...
Don't know what to write. I'm not that happy right now, after this talki-talk. Handicapped kid, over and out.
We said goodbye. I didn't think it would be painful, but, it hurts. Why? Fuck my life. Someone, make me happy. I'm going to school tomorrow, so yes, I can find my happiness there again, yay! Right now it only hurts. I don't wanna sleep. I don't wanna cry. I don't wanna talk. I just want to... I don't know... forget him, forever. Because he is an idiot.
"I'll commit suicide or something. I don't fucking know. K. Whatever. Bye"
Why does it hurt?
I want it to be sunny tomorrow, so that I can be at least a little happier, and then become even happier.
Do I love him? I don't know. Feelings are complicated. It's strange.
We are not in a relationship, but we have now started to write "I love you" and things like that. I don't want to be without him, but I want him to make me hate him. The problem is that I like him too much, and since he is going away, I need to be able to handle it. Which means that it would be best if we cut off the ropes. But I can't. And he won't let me. I don't want to like him, it's not, fun.
I've started to watch Junjou Romantica again, for the 5th time or something, and I feel that I really can relate to Nowaki and Hiro's love and relationship.
They are in love, one of them cut the contact, but the pain in his chest is only getting heavier, even though he was the one who ended it. So he moves, but that doesn't make anything better. And so on.
Love... what is love, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more. HA-HA!
One of my friends has birthday today! She is now 17 years old! CONGRATULATIONS, EMMA! :D
Ahhh... why can't it be legal to kill someone? Or why can't you forget someone without feeling pain... I know that it's going to end soon, and I want to be the one who ends it.
It taste like blood in my mouth/neck. So gross and annoying! Today when I woke up I had trouble breathing... it's been like that a few times. Maybe I need to check it up. Don't know if I'm going to stay home today, since I feel warm, this bloody-thing in my throat is going on, I have trouble breathing and my stomach hurts. Ughh, just wanna, cuddle myself into my blanket forever. Trying to breath normally but I can't, it takes stop. It's like this rasping 1-second breathing.
Today I'm going to the hairdresser. I think I know how I wanna cut my hair - right now it's very short on the neck and long in the front and my bangs are waaaaay too long. So I'll cut my bangs shorter and probably just cut off the damaged hair. Or something.
Seriously, what is going on. How to breathe: Don't think. OR. Breathe in air, and let it out. Me: B r e a t h e half-in, fall back. <- you don't breathe like that.
Ah, I just wanna go back to sleep and sleep for all eternity. Why is this freaking breathing-shit so damn annoying?! And why is it like this?!
Gotta google it.
BRB.
No. I don't find anything. Now I can't even breathe with my mouth closed. But at least I don't panic. Just gonna stay calm and breathe harsh as fuck.
 This day passes by so sloooowly!
Kinda annoying...
I don't want to type seriously, since I'm irritated because of a th1ng.
But whatever, let''s go anyway. Because if o don change what i dwirt ift soing o end uo koojing akah ihs :) And that's not readable. Why is this such a snaily day?! My back hurts. I'm cold. Better bury myself in something warm. A blanket. Mhmmm.
Ah, I don't have anything to write.
Except that I'm tired, bored and in temporary pain. I'm going to text my "so-called-boyfriend" now and see if he's social. If not - whatever. If he is - make me happy.
Edit: Well, damn. He answered my text but he's working = he doesn't have time to be social. He's going to go far away soon. To USA, America. Then we won't have contact. He's going to be there for like, 3 months... I'm gonna miss him so much. I want to deny it, but I realized that I can't. He means a lot to me.
Oh, I think this love-babbling has to do with this one week-thing. Yes indeed. Annoying as fuuuck.
Please survive. I love you <3
My cheek got raped by both my sister and then her boyfriend. Scary...
Oh god. I gotta study german. We have a test tomorrow, but I don't understand anything at all...
Maybe if I write it down?
Infinitiv - grundform
Presens - nu (spelar)
Preteritum - då (spelade)
Perfekt - då (har spelat)
fahren er fährt er fuhr er ist gefahren
geben er gibt er gab er hat gegeben
laufen er läuft er lief er hat gelaufen
liegen er liegt er lag er hat gelegen
nehmen er nimmt er nahm er hat genommen
schreiben er schreibt er shrieb er hat geschrieben
sehen er sieht er sah er hat gesehen
singen er singt er sang er hat gesungen
sterben er stirbt er starb er ist gestorben
trinken er trinkt er trank er hat getrunken
"Never contact me again"
"Uh-uh? What has happened?"
"..."
"Explain"
"No" - What would I write? 'I don't like you, but at the same time I can't stop think of you. I want you to be here but I'm afraid of you.'
Whattttt.
He won't even understand.
But now it's done. I should be happy but I'm not. Back to being lonely, huh. What am I supposed to do now? Contact him again and explain the situation? That won't work... but I'll do it anyway.
'You confuse me. You make me paranoid and you make me feel both good and bad. That's why I don't want to have contact with you anymore'
 ... I changed?
Bought new clothes, got contact lenses, dyed my hair purple, started working out, and then everything was OK. I don't know if I need a change. I'm comfortable with myself right now - that's one of the problems. But if I make something different maybe I'll feel better about myself, and maybe then, I can give all I have, so that I can feel how it's like to feel good, do something different, change myself, start over, Be social, visible and talk much. Say my opinions about this and that, have friend, steer a conversation without awkward silence. Because all of those things would be great. "If I change... will I feel better about myself and everything else?
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